What Not to Do At Hogwarts
by Jessi Malfoy Potter Snape
Summary: The list of what not to do at Hogwarts and people doing all the things
1. Chapter 1

**1) I will not, under any circumstances, ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss**

**2) Professor Flitwick's first name is not Yoda**

**3) I will not give Hagrid Pokémon cards and convince him they're real animals**

**4) I will not sing the Badger Song during Hufflepuff-Slytherin Quidditch matches**

**5) When Death Eaters are attacking Hogsmeade, I shall not point at the Dark Mark and shout "To the Batmoblie, Robin!"**

**6) Any resemblance between Dementors and Nazgul is simply coincidental**

**7) I will not refer to the Weasley Twins as "bookends"**

**8) I will not scare the Arithmancy students with my Calculus book.**

**9) I will not hold my wand in the air before I casting spells shouting "I got the power!"**

**10) I am not allowed to paint the house elves blue and call them smurfs.**

**11) I will not slip Malfoy a Love Potion in his morning goblet of Pumpkin Juice.**

**12) Should I chance to see a Death Eater wearing a white mask, I should not start singing anything from The Phantom of the Opera.**

**13) I will not call Dumbledore "Santa Claus!" during the Christmas Holidays.**

**14) I will not put Muggle fairy book in the History section at the library.**

**15) I will not send Snape a bottle of shampoo for Christmas.**

**16) I am not allowed to tell Hufflepuffs there is no Santa Clause.**

**17) I am not allowed to refer to myself as the New Dark Lord.**

**18) I am not allowed to sneak into Professor Snape's private chambers to watch him sing I Will Survive in the mirror, as it is disturbing.**

**19) I am not allowed to steal Professor Flitwicks wand, hold it over my head and laugh as he tries to reach it.**

**20)I will not replace Madam Pomfrey's Skele-Gro with pumpkin juice.**

**21) I will not replace Professor Snape's pumpkin juice with Skele-Gro.**

**22) I will not impersonate the Swedish Chef in Potions class.**

**23) The next time that I see Rita Skeeter, I am not to threaten her with a can of Raid.**

**24.) I will not subvert the lock on the fourth-floor girls' bathroom and sell its location to first-years as "The Chamber of Secrets".**

**25) When applying for a post at the Ministry of Magic after graduation, I should not cite "Fred and George Weasley" as my greatest influence at Hogwarts.**

**26) Putting down "Lord Voldemort" is probably not best either.**

**27) A Muggle "vacuum cleaner" is not acceptable Quidditch equipment, even if it has been enchanted to fly.**

**28) Hogsmeade village is not "a wretched hive of scum and villainy. "**

**29) I will not tell Professor Trelawney that I prophesied her death.**

**30) I will also not tell Professor Trelawney that I had a vision of her killing the Dark Lord.**

**40.) Sending rings to the nine senior faculty at Yuletide, with the return address "Voldemort", is not funny.**

**41) Insisting that the school acquire computers and network the buildings is a pointless request as they claim that a quill and parchment is sufficient.**

**42) Calling the Ghostbusters is a cruel joke to play on the resident ghosts and poltergeists.**

**43) I may not have a private army.**

**44) I must not substitute chocolate-flavoured laxative for Professor Lupin's prescription-strength chocolate.**

**45) Nor am I to in any way substitute, alter, hide, or otherwise tamper with Professor Dumbledore's candy.**

**46) I am not the wicked witch of the west.**

**47) -I will not refer to Professor Umbridge as such either.**

**48) I will not melt if water is poured over me.**

**49) -Neither will Professor Umbridge.**

**50) I shouldn't use Photoshop to create incriminating photos of my house prefects or tutors.**

**51) I will not enchant the Golden Snitch to fly up the nearest fan's nose.**

**52) I do not know the Avada Kedavra curse, and pretending I do to people who annoy me is not funny, no matter how much they injure themselves diving for cover.**

**53) I will not test my Potions assignments by spiking Snape's drink with them.**

**54) - Especially not all of them at once.**

**55) I will not try to hock off my old piercings as "priceless Muggle artifacts."**

**56) I will not claim my X-Files tapes are "Auror Training Videos."**

**57) Professor Snape definitely does not have pointed ears, and under no circumstances is he to be addressed as 'Spock'.**

**58) I am not able to see the Grim Reaper, nor am I to claim that he is standing by the Headmaster, tapping an hourglass and looking at him impatiently. Or, for that matter, Harry Potter.**

**59) When being interrogated by a member of staff, I am not to wave my hand and announce 'These are not the droids you are looking for'.**

**60) Thestrals do not resemble the Muggle toys known as 'My Little Pony'.**

**61) The four Houses are not the Morons, the Borons, the Smarts and the Junior Death Eaters.**

**62) Despite my personal beliefs, Quidditch would not be improved by the introduction of Muggle firearms.**

**63) Though they are doubtless more athletic, battle-axes are not acceptable either.**

**64) I will not claim there is a prequel to Hogwarts, A History that explains about Bilbo Baggins.**

**65) I will not use the Marauder's Map for stalking purposes.**

**66) I am not allowed to introduce Peeves to paintballing.**

**67) I am not allowed to ask Professor Dumbledore if the size of his beard is 'compensating for something'.**

**68) I will not create a betting pool that Voldemort is Harry Potter's father.**

**69) Headmaster Dumbledore is of not Willy Wonkas son.**

**70) Professor Snape's proper given name is not Princess Silvermoon Fairywing GlimmerMcSparkles.**

**71) Harry Potter and Ron Weasley are not the magical equivalent of "Batman and Robin".**

**72) I will not play the Imperial March theme for Professor Snape.**

**73) However, when Lucius Malfoy visits, I may play it.**

**74) If I insist on carrying out my plans of producing "Riddle-de-dee: The Voldemort Musical", I will do so under a nom-de-plume.**

**75) I will not attempt to recruit the title character to play himself. Even if he looks good in tap shoes.**

**76) I should not refer to Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle collectively as "Team Rocket" either.**

**77) I am not allowed to discuss my theory that Voldemort is actually the second cousin of Sauron.**

**78) I am not a 'ninja sent here by Lord Voldemort to destroy Harry Potter' and should stop shouting this at meal times.**

**79) It's not tasteful to approach Cho wearing a shirt that says "All The Good Looking Ones Die Young" with a picture of Cedric Diggory on it.**

**80) I will not yell "Hey look! It's Lord Voldemort!" at Hogsmeade**

**81) I will not tease Voldemort about the time he needed his pink flowery teddy bear to comfort him when he had that bad, bad nightmare about Harry**

**82) I will not charm a poster of Britney Spears on Draco's wall**

**83) I am not allowed to begin each Herbology class by singing the theme song to "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes."**

**84) I will not call Professor McGonagall "McGoogles".**

**85) I will not sing the entire Multiplication Rocks series during Arithmancy exams.**

**86) There is no such thing as the chamber of Double Secret Probation.**

**87) My name is not "the Dark Lord Happy-Pants" I am not allowed to sign my papers as such.**

**88) Bringing fortune cookies to divination class does not count for extra credit.**

**89) I will not douse Harry Potter's invisibility cloak with lemon juice to see if he will become visible while wearing it and standing by the fire in the common room.**

**90) I will not tell first years they should build a tree house in the Whomping Willow.**

**91) I will not teach the house elves to impersonate Jar Jar Binks.**

**92) I will not give Gryffindors pixie sticks.**

**93) I am not allowed to refer to Susan Bones, Hannah Abbot, and Justin Finch-Fletchley as Blossom, Buttercup, and Bubbles.**

**94) A time turner is not a flux capacitator I should therefore not try to install it in a Muggle car.**

**95) I shall not refer to DADA professors as canaries in a coal mine.**

**96) When fighting Death Eaters in the annual June good vs. evil fight I will not lift my wand skyward and shout "There can only be ONE".**

**97) A wand is for magic only, it is not for picking noses, playing snooker, or playing drums no matter how bored I become.**

**98) It is generally accepted that cats and dragons cannot interbreed and I should not attempt to disprove this theory no matter how wicked the results would be.**

**99) 42 is not the answer to every question on the O.W.L.S.**

**100) I am allowed to have a cat, rat, toad, or an owl. I am not allowed to have reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or piranha.**

**101) No matter how good an Australian accent I can do I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.**

**102) I will not refer to the Defense against the Dark arts professor as Kenny, even if he is wearing an orange anorak.**

**103) Dumbledore is not Gandalf, and the Triforce is not hidden in Hogwarts.**

**104) Do not confuse Aragorn, Eragon and Aragog. Ever.**

**105) I may not introduce Nagini to Indiana Jones.**

**106) Challenging Ron to a slug-eating contest is just mean.**

**107) Under no circumstances am I allowed to refer to Voldemort as "Baldy".**

**108) Even if he is.**

**109) I am not allowed to tell the first years to have a staring contest with the Basilisk.**

**110) I am prohibited from sprinkling glitter on Draco Malfoy, dying his hair, and call him Edward.**

**111) I am not allowed sell Mrs. O'Leary to Hagrid.**

**112) I will not give Professor Lupin a collar as a Christmas or birthday present.**

**113) Saying "I think I 'taw a puddytat!" every time I see Professor McGonagall is most certainly NOT allowed.**

**114) Offering Voldemort a colonial-era powdered wig (complete with ponytail) will not amuse him and I am not allowed to do so, even if he needs a new hair do.**

**115) I am not allowed to paint the school neon pink as the only person it will amuse is Professor Umbridge.**

**116) I must not introduce Voldemort to a psychiatrist as it is likely to result in him having a temper tantrum.**

**117) I am not allowed to introduce the Cullens to Professor Lupin.**

**118) I am not allowed to tease Professor Lupin about his 'time of the month'.**

**119) I shall not play match-maker for Voldemort on Valentine's Day because it will only make him cry when no one will go out with him because of his lack of hair.**

**120) I am not allowed to be a match-maker for Shelob and Aragog either.**

**121) I will not arrange a battle to the death between nine Hungarian Horntails and the Nazgul.**

**122) I will not scream, "HIS NAME IS EDWARD!" any time I hear the words Cedric Diggory.**

**123) I will not ask the centaurs if they know where Chiron is because I have found a demigod.**

**124) I will not shout at dinner times that Darth Sideous is Voldemort's uncle, even if they do look alike.**

**125) I shall not try to persuade everyone that Percy Weasley's true name is Percy Jackson and he slays monsters with a pen for a living.**

**126) I will not sing 'I'm a Survivour' after the Battle of Hogwarts.**

**127) No matter how fun it looks, I will not stand on a table and do the Macarena at the Yule Ball.**

**128) Professor Lupin is not the magical equivlant of Wolverine and I am not allowed to address him as such.**

**129) Even if I'm bored, I am not allowed to ask Snape what is the mysterious ticking noise.**

**130) I will not dye Harry's hair pink or give him brown contacts, just because I am sick of black-haired, green-eyed heroes.**

**131) Whether they owe me money or not, I am not allowed to sneak into Fred and George's dorm at the dead of night to die their hair blond, spike it unreasonably high, then call them John and Edward in the morning.**

**132) I will not send Voldemort white robes for Christmas and claim he changed his name to, "Voldy the White."**

**133) And when he wears them, I am not allowed to run around Hogsmeade screaming, "Ahhh! It's an albino dementor!"**

**134) It is not tasteful to send Professor McGonagall a scratching post for Christmas.**

**135) Bringing a magic eight ball to Divination class will only get Professor Trelawney annoyed at your, "Lack of Inner Eye."**

**136) To which I am not allowed to reply.**

**137) I will not refer to the Accio charm as 'The Force'.**

**138) Nor am I allowed to have lightsaber fights with my wand and make whoosing noises.**

**139) "Because they both need to wash their hair," is not proof Professor Snape and Aragorn are related.**

**140) There is also no proof that Gimli and Flitwick are related and I am stop asking Flitwick if he's been swimming with any hairy women lately.**

**141) Singing 'Hungry Like The Wolf' in Professor Lupin's class is not a way to get extra credit.**

**142) I am not allowed to write on the wall in the Gryffindor Common Room, "I know where you live" or "I stole all your underwear!"**

**143) I am not allowed to replace the Bludgers with peas, tomatoes, plums or anything that is not a Bludger.**

**144) Portable swamps are not funny.**

**145) And I will not set off the above in Snape's sleeping quarters.**

**146) Or in the Slytherin's bathrooms.**

**147) In fact, I am not allowed to even buy portable swamps.**

**148) Harry Potter is not a Son of Poseidon and saying this everytime I see him will only result in him filing a restraining order against me.**

**149) My patronus is not a Nazgul.**

**150) Neither is my animagus form.**

**151) "To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is not an appropriate career choice.**

**152) It still is not appropiate, even if I have subsituted the flying monkeys with gummy bears.**

**153) I will not levitate everywhere in a big pink bubble.**

**154) My professors have neither the time, nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Sugar Quills.**

**155) No part of the school uniform is edible.**

**156) Nor am I allowed to make any part of the school uniform edible.**

**157) I will not try to take house points from the first years for "being too goddamned short".**

**158) Especially as I am in no position of authority and Dumbledore would have to be heavily drugged before he would ever make me a prefect.**

**159) I am not allowed to wear singing holiday-themed ties and claim that they are officially part of my uniform. Especially not during June.**

**160) Luna Lovegood does not have pointed ears, nor is she to be addressed as 'Galadriel'.**

**161) Lucius Malfoy also does not have pointed ears, nor is he to be addressed as 'Haldir'.**

**162) I am not the reincarnation of Merlin.**

**163)I am not allowed to Accio the clothing of any person while they are wearing it.**

**164) I am to attend astronomy class and should stop yelling that aliens will abduct me if I do.**

**165) Hogwarts does not require a karaoke machine.**

**166) No matter how much I would enjoy watching Harry sing, "Saturday Night."**

**167) "Defying my will" is not a crime worthy of life in Azkaban, and I should not tell that to the first-years.**

**168) I will not speak to Professor Snape with a Transylvanian accent.**

**169) Nor am I to ask if he is Carlisle Cullen's evil, unfortunate-looking twin.**

**170) I will not start a rumor saying that Professor Snape sings "I'm too sexy for my robes" while showering. Or for that matter doing any other activity.**

**171) Enchanting the Sorting Hat to sort new students into the House of Martok, or any other Klingon house is forbidden.**

**172) Voldemort does not wish to appear as the 'before' for a line of cosmetics. And no, he does not care how much money I make from it.**

**173) The Slytherin prefect is named Draco Malfoy, not "Rocky Horror".**

**174) Transfiguring Draco Malfoy's uniform into a gold thong is also inappropriate.**

**175) I will not attempt to determine whether Malfoy is a natural blond.**

**176) I will not sprend rumors that Legolas Greenleaf is his second cousin either.**

**177) Luna Lovegood is NOT always on "physicidelic mushrooms" and I should stop implying that she is.**

**178) The same goes for Professor Trelawney.**

**179) I will not get a tattoo of a smiley face on my arm and claim that it is the new Dark Mark.**

**180) When signing to all of these rules, I am not allowed to write in red ink and say that the Cullens lent me some grizzly bear blood.**

**181) I will not set my robes on fire to get out of potions.**

**182) I should not be a sports' commentator for Ron and Hermiones arguements.**

**183) Hogwarts does not need a "This many days since Harry has almost died," sign.**

**184) I should not draw the dark mark on peoples arms.**


	2. 1

**1) I will not, under any circumstances, ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss**

"Right team," Harry said striding up and down in front of the Gryffindor Quidditch team. "Ginny you need to be faster, Ron defend quicker, Katie you need to be quicker-"

"Talk about bossy," Ron muttered under his breathe.

"We want to win Ronald!" Harry said louder glaring at his friend.

"Who died and made you boss?" Ron yelled before causing the entire team, including Harry to burst out laughing.


	3. 2

**2) Professor Flitwick's first name is not Yoda**

"Make your bets here! Bet the teachers first names! Current teacher Flitwick!" Fred and George yelled in the middle of dinner. Instantly people began making the bets, bags of money piling up.

"For Merlins sake," Snape said striding over taking the list and scanning through it. "Which idiot thought his name was Yoda?"

Almost instantly all the muggleborns and some halfbloods started laughing hysterically.


End file.
